tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30301452011-04-21T11:09:03.655-07:00Our Lady of Perpetual MotionThese are the things that are ''important'' to me, whether they be concentric or circular, oblong or jehosephat, or just plain felpt.Allannoreply@blogger.comBlogger421100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-1113973637026998262005-04-19T22:48:00.000-07:002005-08-21T17:56:46.490-07:00Hey, campers!Well, I'm staying up late on a Tuesday night to reactivate this mess. For a quick look into my little brain, check previous rantings, and I will try to get more out there. If you want to catch some who's actually been actively updating their blog, check out my buddy Schuyler at: http://americanwaste.blogspot.com/Since we last spoke, I have moved to Chicago and gotten a crappy job in Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-1113973719415458332005-04-19T22:08:00.000-07:002005-04-21T17:58:55.426-07:00Hey, campers! Well, I'm staying up late on a Tuesday night to reactivate this mess. For a quick look into my little brain, check previous rantings, and I will try to get more out there. If you want to catch some who's actually been actively updating their blog, check out my buddy Schuyler at: http://americanwaste.blogspot.com/Since we last spoke, I have moved to Chicago and gotten a crappy jobAllannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-1113973594893082532005-04-19T21:48:00.000-07:002005-04-19T22:06:34.896-07:00Hey, campers! Well, I'm staying up late on a Tuesday night to reactivate this mess. For a quick look into my little brain, check previous rantings, and I will try to get more out there. If you want to catch some who's actually been actively updating their blog, check out my buddy Schuyler at: http://americanwaste.blogspot.com/Since we last spoke, I have moved to Chicago and gotten a crappy jobAllannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-864542072002-12-23T15:23:00.000-08:002002-12-23T15:26:01.000-08:00Of Beatles, Digitalis, and Detached Italians
There's nothing we like better here at OLPM than bad English translations (except, of course, ice cream and blowjobs, but stay with me for the sake of the piece). With that in mind, I was dicking around on the web looking for rare Beatles crap, and came across a review of the Beatles compilation "1" in Italian. Using Google's handy "translate this Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-861438262002-12-16T18:39:00.000-08:002002-12-16T18:39:33.560-08:00We've Got Mail!
Of course, I'm using "we" as if there was more than one guy writing this crap.
Hey, I got some feedback on the last piece:
> Dear sir,
>
> I recently discovered new entries on your weblog, the most recent of
> which was something called "The Only Five Places That are Colder Than
> Southern Wisconsin in December". As number 3, you put "The inside of a
> Republican's heart". WhileAllannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-857626432002-12-09T19:27:00.000-08:002002-12-09T19:27:51.620-08:00The Only Five Places That are Colder Than Southern Wisconsin in December
Yes, it's a list. And a rant. Gesundheit.
5) Outer Space (barely)
4) Northern Wisconsin in December
3) The inside of a Republican's heart
2) Southern Wisconsin in February
And, finally...a drumroll, please...
1) There is no place colder than Southern Wisconsin in December.Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-857143552002-12-08T22:12:00.000-08:002002-12-08T22:12:54.316-08:00Trains
"Trains," said the man, staring off into the distance. "I like trains."
Josh looked around to see who the dishevled, dirty, crazy looking bum in the ratty overcoat with the stringy unwashed hair was talking to. Fear began to knaw at him as he realized that the bum was talking to him. Or at least he was the only one around to be the recipient of the pearls of wisdom being cast out Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-857138402002-12-08T21:58:00.000-08:002002-12-08T21:58:52.870-08:00Well, I'm Back...Hello? Anyone There?...
For those of you following our story, I'm now back in Chicago. Yes, I just moved here last month, just in time for winter. "Ha, ha!" you say, "Ha ha! You certainly are a foolish fellow. Do you not understand that it gets (ha, ha!) very cold in Chicago in the winter? Very, very cold? Oh, so very very very cold? Ha ha!"
Yes, I know it's fucking Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-757136922002-04-22T20:40:00.000-07:002002-04-22T20:40:30.943-07:00My Bluff Is Called
Well, I'm not exactly sure if I should be flattered, uneasy, or what, but our good buddy Bill from Viking Funeral (rejected motto: putting the "fun" back into "funeral") has responded to the challenge I never made in my previous post and extended my ramblings further into the fully-developed story category, i.e. he continued writing the stories I said I never would. I have Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-107453672002-03-14T17:53:00.000-08:002002-03-14T17:54:21.000-08:00Some Random Opening Sentences to Stories I Will Probably Never Write
Wingate opened up his stachel and let the pungent vapors contained therein waft slowly across the room and into the waiting nostrils of Mrs. Teasdale and Frau Beckenridge.
Cletus scratched at the base of his medulla and frowned slightly. It seemed like the water was rising around his ankles, but he wasn’t quite sure. Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-103920212002-03-04T19:32:00.000-08:002002-03-04T19:32:43.610-08:00Reply To a Post You've Never Seen
A half-moment of explanation: My good friend (i.e. he tolerates my existence) Scott S. over at "Virtual Comedy Club" (oh, look up the link yourself, I'm too tired for this shit, and no one is reading this anyway) sent several friends (oh, who the fuck am I kidding? If you're reading this, you're one of them!) a treatise he entitled "I Am A Writer". It's a Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-87007212002-01-14T19:25:00.000-08:002002-01-14T19:25:43.826-08:00New Years Resolutions For Everyone Else: Some Things I Don't Want To See In 2002 (or: This Is The Year Al Officially Claims His Birthright and Becomes An Old Crank)
- Music with the tuba as the sole bass instrument blasting from the open windows of a car (it's a Tuba, for God's sake! It's what they made the fat paste-eating wierdos play in the high school band!)
- Offspring of famous actors/Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-83579882002-01-02T16:40:00.000-08:002002-01-02T16:40:06.993-08:00A Few Things Which Are Almost As Fun As Travelling on American Trans Air During the Holidays
Having tea with the Queen with a lit firecracker up your ass
Bathing in your own raw sewage
Drinking your own raw sewage
Nailing your fingertips to a frozen windowsill
Replacing your headphones with airhorns and crankin' up the volume
A big heaping bowl of Maggot Bran
Heavy petting with Grandpa
Lug nut Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-82918482001-12-30T22:59:00.000-08:002001-12-30T22:59:05.946-08:00Happy 2002, You Schmucks!
As I sit here writing this, a new year is rapidly creeping up on us, ready to pounce. Now, as it's been definitively proven by some of our most reknowned Bible scholars that this time, really, REALLY is going to be the end of the world, I'd just like to set my affairs (metaphorically speaking of course; my wife is the only one insane enough to actually let me touch her)Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-80902712001-12-20T19:33:00.000-08:002001-12-20T19:33:01.166-08:00Today's Travel Ad
Are you still looking for that perfect getaway spot, an undiscovered gem far from the maddening crowds? It sounds like you’re ready for
ANTARCTICA!
Finally, a vacation destination for the 21st Century.
Come on! Give yourself a break! Meet us down here in
ANTARCTICA!
You won’t live to regret it! You might not continue living at all! It’s…
ANTARCTICA!
So you think Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-80638992001-12-19T20:39:00.000-08:002001-12-19T20:39:27.450-08:00Rejected (for now) Holiday TV specials for 2001
A Very Condit Christmas
Jimmy Carrey: Scion of Pure Evil (Not really a holiday special per se, but always timely)
Can Santa Find Me if I’m Locked in the Closet?: Christmas on Welfare
Limp Bizkit Saves Christmas
When Reindeer Attack!
Short Stack: Santa’s Funkiest Elf
The History Channel presents Secrets of WWII: The Santa-Hitler pact
Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-80629482001-12-19T19:56:00.000-08:002001-12-19T19:56:51.870-08:00Nice to Meet You
Oh, sure, I seem like a nice guy, but I burn with an insane hatred for all mankind. Beneath my pleasantly amenable exterior bubbles a heart of purest sulfuric acid bound and determined to see the flame of humanity extinguished in the most violent and hideous way possible.
Oh, please don’t mistake my gaze for interest in your petty little comings and goings; it’s really an Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-80010382001-12-17T16:16:00.000-08:002001-12-17T16:17:07.000-08:00Love is…
A piercing “down there”.
Putting up with the in-laws.
Pretending to orgasm.
Pretending to care if she orgasms.
Wearing her soiled underwear.
Putting up with his psychotic/her nuerotic friends.
Pretending not to find his porn.
Not saying what you REALLY think.
Puttin’ up with each other’s shit!
Just imagine drawings of those two little naked dwarves and it becomes even funnier…
Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-79994372001-12-17T15:17:00.000-08:002001-12-17T16:16:43.000-08:00What’s Up With Al?
Those who know me may have noticed some changes in my behavior due to my second child arriving at my house a bit over a month ago. As many may correctly theorize, these changes are due to a combination of sleep deprivation, cabin fever and shot nerves from hour-long crying jags (which my son occasionally indulges in as well). Many have noticed the glassy stare, the fixed Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-76117802001-12-03T13:08:00.000-08:002001-12-17T15:17:31.000-08:00Well, I haven't posted anything for a while. Many of you are probably wondering what's been going on the last few months. Well, actually, none of you are, since the only ones who read this are my college buddies, and we talk every week or so. Oh, well, here's something new:
"Tendrils" - A Play in 3 Parts
PART 1: we meet the principals.
Setting: Madagascar, or perhaps the jungles of Siberia.Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-41993842001-06-22T17:33:00.000-07:002001-06-22T17:33:38.613-07:00Journey Into the Future - Volume 2
Another wave of prescience has swept across the OLPM offices. Watch out, America! This is your future…
August, 2003: In celebration of his 70th birthday, Elvis Presley finally comes out of hiding, bringing his longtime companion Andy Kaufman with him. Fit, trim and tanned, the ever-youthful Presley talks at a press conference about his activities for the Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-41517372001-06-19T21:19:00.000-07:002001-06-19T21:19:59.076-07:00Some Self-Refexive Lummage
Sometimes I think on these durned ol’ blogs we’re (or at least I’m) a little too list happy. Many of us are from the Lettermen generation, have short attention spans and can dash off a list in no time flat without thinking. Therefore, in the interest of continuing the trend and adding some refreshing zing! to the proceedings, I’m starting the first OLPM contest: here’Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-41510212001-06-19T20:31:00.000-07:002001-06-19T20:31:12.550-07:00Journey Into the Future - Volume 1
We here at OLPM, having consulted some of the great psychics of our time (Jeanne Dixon, Sydney Omarr, Dionne Warwick) in conjunction with a series of all-night benders & Oki-dog eating contests, have come up with a look at what the future holds for us, the American people. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fun and random bursts of flatulence.
September, 2001: Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-40926482001-06-15T20:53:00.000-07:002001-06-15T20:53:05.310-07:00How to Prepare For the SATs
Like many of my peers, I had aspirations of greatness when applying my various and multi-facteted talents towards my academic career. I figured I was a shoo-in for the Ivy League or some other noteworthy branch of the hallowed halls of academia, but alas, it was not to be. Oh, sure, there were lots of accusations and recriminations when the shit hit the fan back in Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-40880812001-06-15T13:55:00.000-07:002001-06-15T13:55:28.233-07:00Vormathmania!
Our correspondent in the bush Scott Sookman sends us some complimentary (uh, I think...) press:
HOT OFF THE WIRE SERVICES!!!!!! EXTRA!!!!!
Vormath Mania Continues Unabated!
by Squodge Piddleton
Special to the Cleveland Lemming
World society was again thrust into a void of uncertainty whilst awaiting the
latest installment of the blockbuster pop culture phenomenon, John K.
Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-40747412001-06-14T17:38:00.000-07:002001-06-14T17:38:15.373-07:00A Quickie: Things I Call Other Drivers on the Road
Motherfucker
Godammed Motherfucker
One-eyed Heathen She-Bitch
Masturbatory Shit Weasel
Masturbatory Shit Weasel Motherfucker
SUV Encrusted Death-Whore
Flatulent old BMW Nazi
Decomposing Rust-fucker
Pimple-Assed Hydraulic Eyesore
Fucky fuck FUCK!!
Stupid-ass Motherfucker Who Needs to Get the FUCK Out of My Lane Before I Run His Dinky Little Honda Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-40430322001-06-12T19:58:00.000-07:002001-06-12T19:58:41.956-07:00Howzabout Some More Pancakes?
The list of blogs to plug just gets longer and longer! Our good friend Scott Hewitt now has one at:
American Waste
Andrew Milner has more cool stuff and is still at:
Giraffes on Horseback Salad
Scott Sookman is still hanging around in:
Virtual Comedy Club
And good ol’ Bill Spring has just posted new material and is still knockin’ ‘em dead at:
Viking Funeral
Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-40415172001-06-12T18:03:00.000-07:002001-06-12T18:03:10.883-07:00John K. Vormath’s Fist of Revenge: A Twisted Trail of Gouda
Cheswick gritted his teeth and hissed invective as Charlie applied the cold compresses to his right leg. Her eyes darted up and met Cheswick’s; “You’re just lucky you didn’t get the damn thing shot off completely,” she said in reply to his unspoken complaint. “As it is, there are fragments of Gouda still embedded in the muscle; Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-39728192001-06-07T18:10:00.000-07:002001-06-07T18:10:50.263-07:00Some Words About Basketball
Now that the Lakers are in the playoffs and slated to win (again), we at OLPM present a few possible slogans to memoriate the occasion:
Lakers: Not Just a Big Dumb Pile of Water
Get ready for a Shaq Attack! And the ensuing lawsuits.
Twopoot!
We’re going all the way! So take those moronic flags off your SUV.
Thank God Jordan retired!
LA DOES have a real sports team!Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-38521602001-05-29T20:28:00.000-07:002001-05-29T20:28:17.690-07:00Where Would They Be Now? (If They Were Alive) 1st in a series: A Rebuttal
Our good friend Scott Sookman has passed along the following letter, which addresses the piece posted some days back about Mr. Mojo Rising. To wit:
"Dear Mr. Morgan:
I am writing to you in the interest of accuracy and
fairness. Our department conducts an ongoing
community outreach program with members of the
creative Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-38520322001-05-29T20:17:00.000-07:002001-05-29T20:17:46.100-07:00More Misplaced Altruistic Referencing
Watch now as another joins the fray: longtime Syracuse bud Andrew Milner has jumped in with all limbs akimbo and added to the madness. His fine new blog can be found at:
Giraffes on Horseback Salad
Which is an appropriate a name as any that I can think of. Also, don't forget that you can access Scott Sookman and his amazing Virtual Comedy Club of Joy overAllannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-38517942001-05-29T19:59:00.000-07:002001-05-29T19:59:42.483-07:00Wherein the Author Has a Refreshing Beverage
Hi, folks, I'm back! So, apparently, is the site. For those of you hosebags that want to contact me, please feel "free" to do so at tflood@lausd.k12.ca.us. I check that e-mail every 2 weeks or so, so don't get all in a snit if you don't hear back from me right away. Boy, do I know how to publicize myself or WHAT?? Anyway, I've got lots of swell Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36975482001-05-18T19:34:00.000-07:002001-05-18T19:34:36.880-07:00John K. Vormath’s Fist of Revenge: A random action sequence
The Wheel People were following him again. “Damn them and their pointy-headed little brothers,” Cheswick hissed to himself. “Now I’ll have to get nasty.” He checked the potato gun in his shoulder-holster; only one shot left. Cheswick knew that it might be miles before he saw fresh spuds again. He cursed himself for not filling Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36956482001-05-18T16:26:00.000-07:002001-05-18T16:26:12.480-07:00The Inevitable Cross-Promotional Foofraw
Hello, little ducklings! This posting is to let you know that you are about to once again be inundated with fudge. Our very own Scott Sookman has started a blog devoted to the concept of the “virtual comedy club”, an idea whose time has definitely come. In comfort and privacy of your own doghouse you can now thrill and giggle to the latest exploits of aAllannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36812352001-05-17T17:46:00.000-07:002001-05-17T17:46:17.790-07:00Where Would They Be Now? (If They Were Alive) 1st in a series
“Is everyone inside?” Jim Morrison hypnotically intoned to the crowd before him. No one answered; all was silent. Extending the moment, he shifted slightly and asked one further time before proceeding: “Is everyone inside? We’re about to begin…”
With a slight pnuematic hiss, the doors of the bus closed and Morrison turned Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36650222001-05-16T18:01:00.000-07:002001-05-16T18:01:59.526-07:00Some Random Directions Which May Be Helpful:
Turn twice before inserting into tab.
Grasp the outer handles and pull towards the groin. Repeat.
Staple repeatedly until upper flap is completely parallel; loosen hinge.
Lather. Rinse. Explode.
Siphon until the globules have reached the bottom of the oil. DO NOT look askew at the resulting solution.
Add the resulting mixture to the mold until 2/3 Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36644732001-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:002001-05-16T17:22:15.763-07:00Top 10 signs you’re spending too much time on Ebay:
10. Instead of sending a card, you post positive feedback for Mom on Mother’s Day.
9. You haven’t checked your porn site bookmarks in DAYS.
8. You stay up until 4 A.M. to bid on those “authentic Bavarian nail clippers” from Austria in real time.
7. The “Do Not Reply to This Message…” automated response system starts mailing you “just to make Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36620712001-05-16T14:40:00.000-07:002001-05-16T14:40:31.233-07:00Why We Hate Bill
I've just found out that my "friend" Bill has been telling OUTRIGHT LIES about me over at his blog. Just to clarify, we have NEVER been in the navy together, I NEVER made an offer to "swab his deck", and he NEVER caught me standing over his bed in the middle of the night, naked and with an erection, drooling over his sweet, sweet downy-soft naked body. I would like to stress Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36618622001-05-16T14:28:00.000-07:002001-05-16T14:28:33.170-07:00Why We Like Bill
Hey! Bill kindly sent me info on how to link to his Blog. This is where ya go:
Viking Funeral
Definitely check it out! It's the tweezers!Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36610052001-05-16T13:31:00.000-07:002001-05-16T13:31:16.840-07:00Possible book titles and/or rock group names and/or masturbation euphemisms
The Concrete Vulva
Clegg! The autobiography
Unsolicited Reprisals
No more chickens for you, Stanley!
The Dormouse Chronicles
Labia, Spiffy & Wabs
Checking out of the Hotel Scrunge
Seeing Japan by Angstroms
Puttin' the hurt on the ol' stool pigeon
Hard to handle, hard to swallow
It Never Tasted Like Toast Before!
Lepton? Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36509742001-05-15T20:57:00.000-07:002001-05-15T20:57:05.693-07:00The Adventures of Cardinal Eng, Volume 1
Cardinal Eng rocked back on his jackbooted heels and snickered to himself. All was going according to plan, and if he had his way, he would soon have complete control over the entire eastern seaboard. Unconciously salivating at the thought of millions of people under his direct control, he lightly ran his gloved hands over the shaft of the Allannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3030145.post-36474452001-05-15T17:03:00.000-07:002001-05-15T17:03:06.833-07:00Wherein the Author Introduces Himself
Good evening, creatures.
When my buddy Bill told me about this wonderful exchange, the veins popped out on my neck and I swooned a little swoon. Here was the answer to my admittedly feeble prayers! A place where the mental diaharrea that so naturally flows out of my skull could be preserved for all eternity! And I wouldn't have to work, hardly! Or as Allannoreply@blogger.com